Girls...explained

In class the other day we compared generic quirks of the opposite sex. The guys snitched on the girls and the girls exposed the guys. One interesting, and slightly misguided rant started like this:

“Why do guys have to find out about their relationship problems through their wife’s/girlfriend’s friends?”

The simple answer is: you don’t. I mean, you’ll always have the silent brooding types that are cute and cuddly one day and icy cold the next. Usually, however, there is a rational (shocking, I know) explanation for your ignorance.

1. It just wasn’t that important. As much as we love you, there will be things that you do that drive us up the wall. The infamous “leaving the lid up” is a perfect example. Now, we know that in the grand scheme of life, having to lower the lid in the restroom is less than apocalyptic. You are, 90% of the time, a charming and understanding man. We appreciate that you are a rare find. So, to insure that we get to keep you, we’re going to pick our battles wisely. We did probably roll our eyes at you when you weren’t looking. Then, over cosmos on girls night (if I have to stereotype, I’ll at least be thorough), we mentioned your faux pas to make our friend feel better about the fact that her boyfriend leaves the toothpaste cap open.

It wasn’t because we were consumed by rage. We weren’t trying to hide our pain. We just needed to bitch to someone and they were available.

2. You’ve confused us. I’m certain you’ve had this feeling. You’re having a wonderful time doing whatever you two love to do on a Saturday afternoon. Your beautiful girl says something that seems to come out of no where. You aren’t even sure what just happened was in English. But you laugh a little and change the subject. After you’ve gone home, or your sig. other has left the house, suddenly it’s all you can think about. You play the moment over and over again in your head. “What did that mean?” It must have been bad or she would’ve been plainer, you think. Now you’re upset. Why couldn’t she have just said what she was thinking?

NEWSFLASH boys: we do it too. Instead of bottling it up inside, though, we speed-dial our BFF. To you, it may make more sense to call the object of our anxiety. The simplest way to resolve an issue is to talk to the source, right? To us, you’ve already confused us once; we need to know what we’re up against before we proceed. If this is big we need a plan.

There are reasons these girls are our friends. They understand us well enough to know where we stand but are also removed enough from the situation to make fair(er) judgment calls. When we tell our friends what happened, we are looking for advice and hoping this is normal. If you’ve picked among the semi-mature females, we do not expect our friends to rely our mood back to you. We just want to know what’s up.

3. We need some time to cool off. This time, it’s serious. You blew off something important to us (meeting the parents, birthday, cancer test results) for a last minute pick-up football invite. Making a scene right now would do no good. You’re already at the field warming up. Even we did scare you enough to go along with our original plans it would be a pity play. We are too angry for the words, “You are so dead.” So we sarcastically wish you luck and before you can say “Bye, Babe,” we’ve dialed up the girls again.

Just like when you confuse us, when you piss us off, we need to know that a) this happens to every girl b) you weren’t trying to be a jerk and c) there is a way to resolve this without upgrading to a new guy. These situations are the reasons it is so important to make friends with the girlfriend’s friends. You will need their support when the emergency phone call (aka relationship court) comes.

We need to vent to them so that when we talk to you, there won’t be any unnecessary screaming. We want to have already dug through the emotional turmoil to get to the point. Yelling, “Jerk, jerk, jerk!” and throwing plates only creates one more mess. It’s much more effective to say, “I’m really hurt that you didn’t feel our plans were important enough to stick to. What happened?” Really, even though we’re upset, we’re doing you a huge favor.

Conclusion
You shouldn’t have to hear the news from our friends. We’re perfectly capable of letting you know when there is a problem that needs to be solved. A fabulous girl won’t let her friends to the dirty work for her. Keep in mind her friends might just be checking in on the situation before your girl’s gotten around to addressing it. We also may have a well-meaning and meddling friend who “just wants to help.” Still, our friends are the airbag in between that keep you from fatal impact. Even if you do get the news from a friendly source, she will probably have something do with your significant other’s sanity. Maybe she deserves a thank you note instead.