The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn so far is how to keep my mouth shut. I’m not talking about being silent when something you believe in is threatened. I’m not talking about passively ignoring your problems by being incommunicative. What I am trying to learn is how to swallow unsolicited advice.
I’m the eldest of three siblings and a girl. Statistics say this means I am bossy and protective of the people around me. In this case, statistics are overwhelmingly correct.
I have this need to “fix” people. My spidey senses don’t tell me when people are in trouble, they tell me there is a lost soul out there whose life could be better if only I tell them how to change. My spidey sense is kind of pompous.
In my defense, I seem to have a homing beacon for people who love to share their problems. I’ve had complete strangers in front of me in line at a store that will turn around and ask why their best friend is such a flake. The cashiers love to gossip about the cute bag boy that they’ve been trying to get a date with for weeks. Back at home, my roommate cannot figure out why she is used as a doormat.
To me, it all seems relatively simple. The best friend is a flake because girls with new boyfriends, jobs or hobbies like to forget about life pre-new-shiny-toy. She’ll wander back eventually. Boys the cashier’s age are often oblivious to girls that don’t flaunt themselves. If you want a date with him, it’s time to ask. My sweetheart of a roommate is a doormat because she feels she needs certain people in her life and is desperate to have them there; she’ll tolerate anything from them so as not to feel alone.
Before my epiphany, I would have told them exactly that. The sly trick is, though these people sound like they honestly want help with their problem, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
No one that does not expressly ask for an honest opinion (and even then it’s iffy) wants the truth. They know the truth. They don’t like the truth. I’m going to refrain from telling you “they can’t handle the truth” but you get the idea.
What these people want is a sympathetic sound (awww, that sucks!) or an ignorant opinion that is much more pleasing to their sensitive psyche (If you really love him, you're ready to give up everything for him.)
On the off chance that they do listen and you’re wrong, you will be blamed. Oh, and if you are right, you will also be blamed. These people don’t like the truth, remember? You’ve pointed out something that’s been in front of them the whole time and suddenly it’s as if you made it appear. You evil trouble-maker, what did you do that for?
I may be cynical but I’m not unsympathetic. I have tissues and soothing tea ready for the next friend crisis. My phone is on most nights in case I am needed. But Ask Abby has left the building. The people with pitchforks made her nervous.
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